When I was about 8 or 9 I did a completely green poo. Vivid green, not any of your spinach-based poo nonsense. It was as a result of a whole load of peppermint creams from a church fete, I think, which were a nice green colour too.
Fast forward to my 20th birthday. The night before I spent at a friend's house, watching the last film of my teenage years (Evil Dead II) and eating a particularly tasty curry. Out clubbing on my birthday, all is well. On the way back from club to house, start feeling a little ripe - maybe that curry wasn't so great. A little further, experience what I can only describe as a squishy fart - realise what's occuring. Get to his flat and empty out - sadly the bathroom in his flat opened out onto his livingroom so all the people we were out with could experience the stench. Make my excuses and get back to my place, and spend the following 24 hours dashing to the bog.
The consistency was like corn flakes in faecal milk. Definitely the worst.
My only other poo story was getting arseholed on free champagne and wine at a certain media industry 'thing' and instead of getting to meet a hero I emptied my innards (both ends) on the floor in the gents. Nice.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
YAY!!
I have several stories. Once I drunk approx 3 litres of red wine, smoked loads of weed and drunk countless beers. Needless to say I was thoroughly cunted and in my semi concious state, honked a beautiful lilac vom. The following morning I had a dump which was the oddest grey colour and needed copious wipes to remove klingons.
On another occasion I was at a 21st birthday party in a pub and spent the entire night drinking Guinness. At kicking out time I discovered that I had spent all of my meagre amount of wedge and didn't have enough for the ride home. This meant that I had to walk the four miles home, which ordinarily isn't much of a problem. However large volumes of strong beer have a rather laxative effect on me and within a short while I was walking with my arse cheeks squeezed tightly together in an effort to hold back the eventual flood. I realised that I would not get home without releasing the hostage so I searched for scraps of paper to use as makeshift arsewipes. this search was fruitless until I spied on the forecourt of a petrol station, a large roll of paper towelling. I ran as fast as I could with arse clenched and grabbed about 6 meters of paper before heading off down the subway where there was a plastic waste bin which was a very convenient receptacle for the gallon or so of tar that sprayed forth from my ringpiece. This was the most satisfying turnout I have ever had in my entire life and it had my brother rolling on the floor laughing for ages.
On another occasion I was at a 21st birthday party in a pub and spent the entire night drinking Guinness. At kicking out time I discovered that I had spent all of my meagre amount of wedge and didn't have enough for the ride home. This meant that I had to walk the four miles home, which ordinarily isn't much of a problem. However large volumes of strong beer have a rather laxative effect on me and within a short while I was walking with my arse cheeks squeezed tightly together in an effort to hold back the eventual flood. I realised that I would not get home without releasing the hostage so I searched for scraps of paper to use as makeshift arsewipes. this search was fruitless until I spied on the forecourt of a petrol station, a large roll of paper towelling. I ran as fast as I could with arse clenched and grabbed about 6 meters of paper before heading off down the subway where there was a plastic waste bin which was a very convenient receptacle for the gallon or so of tar that sprayed forth from my ringpiece. This was the most satisfying turnout I have ever had in my entire life and it had my brother rolling on the floor laughing for ages.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Ok. get this.
About 6 weeks ago my mate and I were invited for dinner at a friends house. Dinner lovely. Lots of booze. Late at night and very pissed we called cabs. Mine came first, mate ( he says) was too impatient and decided to walk the streets looing for cab.
Then the shits hit him. Not being able to find anywhere open, and drunkenly incontinent he shat himself. Had to walk for an hour in the cold with warm poo from enormous dinner dribbling down his leg.
How do I know?
He lost his keys and had to come to my place.
If he hadnt smelt so bad I would have shat myself laughing.
Then the shits hit him. Not being able to find anywhere open, and drunkenly incontinent he shat himself. Had to walk for an hour in the cold with warm poo from enormous dinner dribbling down his leg.
How do I know?
He lost his keys and had to come to my place.
If he hadnt smelt so bad I would have shat myself laughing.
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