YAY!!

I have several stories. Once I drunk approx 3 litres of red wine, smoked loads of weed and drunk countless beers. Needless to say I was thoroughly cunted and in my semi concious state, honked a beautiful lilac vom. The following morning I had a dump which was the oddest grey colour and needed copious wipes to remove klingons.

On another occasion I was at a 21st birthday party in a pub and spent the entire night drinking Guinness. At kicking out time I discovered that I had spent all of my meagre amount of wedge and didn't have enough for the ride home. This meant that I had to walk the four miles home, which ordinarily isn't much of a problem. However large volumes of strong beer have a rather laxative effect on me and within a short while I was walking with my arse cheeks squeezed tightly together in an effort to hold back the eventual flood. I realised that I would not get home without releasing the hostage so I searched for scraps of paper to use as makeshift arsewipes. this search was fruitless until I spied on the forecourt of a petrol station, a large roll of paper towelling. I ran as fast as I could with arse clenched and grabbed about 6 meters of paper before heading off down the subway where there was a plastic waste bin which was a very convenient receptacle for the gallon or so of tar that sprayed forth from my ringpiece. This was the most satisfying turnout I have ever had in my entire life and it had my brother rolling on the floor laughing for ages.